Carnal Men...

“Carnal men and women do not know their own spirits, and therefore they fling and vex themselves at every affliction that befalls them, they do not know what disorders are in their hearts which may be healed by their afflictions, if it pleases God to give them a sanctified use of them.” Jeremiah Burroughs, The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment


It is oh so easy to become engulfed in our own trials. Consumed. Selfish. Blinded. I can remember when I was in high school and one of my best friends died. I was sitting in my kitchen and a talk show was on and I can remember thinking: "Why is everyone laughing? Don't they know Wes just died?" They didn't. Not only did they not know, they didn't care. Who was Wes to them? I am not saying that I shouldn't have  mourned for my friend. I was in a state of loss and grief, but I was being consumed by it- SO much so that I could not understand why the world wasn't mourning with me. I am aware that this is an extreme example, but I do this often in my daily life. I begin to think too much of myself. Hear me out here- I spend entirely too much time "flinging and vexing" myself at ALL types of afflictions. Thinking about how I am too selfish, HA, that's ironic right? Thinking about how I've made poor choices and what that says about my heart. Now I am not saying that we should not be metacognitive in our lives, but the amount of weight I feel with these thoughts is unbalanced. If ONLY I spent more time thinking about what others need. How they could be loved, my afflictions would pale in comparison. This is my battle and it has to be a conscious choice. We are a people among the fall of man. Broken. In dire utter need of saving. Dependent on Grace. Wholly. And it is a beautiful thing. To love something more than we love ourselves. 


I mess up though. I forget. I let the world get the best of me and my flesh rears its ugly head. And this is the crux for me. I have to hope in the Lord. In His people, that they will show me grace, that they understand my brokenness perhaps better than I do...


To those who have stood by me as I walk, stumble and fall on this journey- I want to say thank you. I love you so much. You have been the voice of the Lord in my life. You have been his arms when I fall. You have been his light when I couldn't see my way. 

Let's pair up

So I've been thinking a bit lately about community/companionship. More specifically companionship. How I wound up here...I began to think how people tend to do a lot of things in pairs. I grew up hearing from my mom that three girls can never be friends, two will always pair up against the other at one point or another. So I started thinking about that in maybe a more positive way. A decade and a half after my uncomfortable fourth and fifth grade years have brought a positive spin on this. Think about it, we have best friends (usually singular), boyfriends/girlfriends, husbands/wives (let's hope all these are singular!). I can remember from a really early age coveting that title of "best friend". Even now I can feel jealousy creep up when my "best friend" hangs out  more with some other way less cool girl. Ha- I'm kidding, well not really. SO I began to ask myself- why do I get jealous? I think because its good to have a companion, someone who has your back exclusively and you've got theirs. Don't get me wrong, I know this can get out of hand, the jealousy, but I think we kid ourselves to say we don't feel this way. It's not true. We do. Whether we operate under the mentality of "shoulds", we do want to be someone's bestest. We were created to be that way. Of course this transfers from friends to boyfriends/girlfriends, husbands/wives. Now I can only speak about my sex, but I can make a good estimation that they need the same. The Lord said it was not "good" for man to be alone- thus he was created a companion (at that he-Adam, was created a woman). Now before things get too sticky here- I am not saying that a man needs a woman, that is another post. So let's let that one go for now.

Driving down the road yesterday though, I spent some time thinking about the sometimes revolving door of best friends. Sometimes we are "fillers" for other people and that can be hard. In romantic relationships they call this "the rebound". I'm not here to demean any of these- I think at points they are necessary, but they simply go to prove that we weren't meant to be alone. Not only were we not meant to be alone we were meant for some type of "pair". I'm not quite sure why people want to ignore this fact, like it is something really horrible. It's not. It's the truth. This doesn't mean that pairings have to be forever- friends come and go, some in seasons and some weather all the storms. It does not negate them when they pass though. Not to say that the passing isn't hard at some points; but I have found that it is a lot easier to think through the relationship, come to terms with the good of it and the timing of it, rejoice in that and then take comfort in the fact that it wasn't meant to continue. I don't always do this well, but who does? I'd actually like to hear some thoughts of this if you care to share?

Pretty Ugly

So it's been a while since I have sincerely written. Not that my previous ramblings weren't sincere, but they were bouncings,  you know creative inspirations. A reflection of my thoughts, not the actual ones per se.

The past month has been an intense journey that has brought me to a halting stop. Truth be known, I will run and run and run until I can't run anymore. My friends and family joked  that the only time I have truly stopped over the past year was when I was in the hospital. I'm terrified to stop, to be completely frank. Yesterday however, I stopped and it was against my will. I fought it hard. I've been fighting it. It's the glorious grace of Christ that hit me like a brick wall. When you run, you can't hear much. I could barely hear Him. And in the exhaustion I chose to listen to the enemy's lies.

My entire life the Almighty has pursued me even and especially when I was chasing something else. He loves me. He deep down sacrificially does. And I show my arse. I do. I turn my nose up at his love and affection and say it is not good enough. Yet, he gently whispers that He knows I am hurting, that I am broken, that I am miserable. WHAT IS THIS TYPE OF LOVE? It cannot be made sense of and it is glorious and intoxicating. It is worth it. Does this mean the hurt leaves? No. Does this mean all things make sense? No. But it does mean I am safe. In His arms, I am safe. I am taken. This world will not have me, though it may try. I have been marked. I do not have to overcome, it already has been done. I just must know Him. In knowing Him, trust Him. In trusting Him, bring glory to Him.

I will not sit at His table pretty. I will have scars. My feet will hurt. Bruises will cove my body. Bones will be broken. But I will rejoice in this day because I will sit at His table. And He will continue to love me and we will be together. And this makes me stop. Now. And breathe.

We get by with a little help from our friends!

So last night the ladies and I went out for what turned into a little dance party. Now, I know Friday's are inspiration day, but I had to include this little bit because my friends inspired me last night to just have a fantastic time. (This was not too terribly hard.)

This one is hilarious to me. Clearly we were all in the moment!

Most of us. Minus Allison and Ciera. 

Now on to the Inspiration Board. I really am in love with natural coloring right now and toss in some navy. 

It's Fri-TIE-DYE-day!

So this inspiration board is a little all over the place. My friend Tris and I are doing a little DIY project tonight. Everywhere you look there is a little tie-dye, so we decided to make our own. I'll let you know how it turns out. Here is where I pulled some of my inspiration and a little more. It's a bit random, but I can appreciate that.

Now I'm not sure how many of you actually read my blog, but if you do...how do you feel about the inspiration boards? Did you like the singular pictures better or the inspiration boards? Just thoughts.

Absolute Friday.

  "Often while traveling with a camera we arrive just as the sun slips over the horizon of a moment, too late to expose film, only time enough to expose our hearts." - minor white. 

These are my current inspiration boards.  

I feel like I need the hotpink outfit and couch and well shoes- Ok the entire thing. 

There is a bouquet made out of old broaches! Gorgeous. 

And well the tea table of macrons, I want to eat the entire thing daily. 

This color palette I adore right now. Here is how I see this happening. I want to be the girl on the bridge in Paris, I want my bedroom to be the one to the right of her, I want both fireplaces, and a SWING in my living room. How fantastic? 

 Then to finish, two things I didn't want to add to the boards. They stand alone. I love this. It says "It is never too late to change who you want to be." 

To finish- another ocean shot. I love this. The sea in the rain. Gorgeous. 

A lovely Friday stroll...

Apparently I am on a blog-posting-picture-loving kick right now. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do! This is my make do inspiration book at the moment.

I want this succulent garden. Isn't it just beautiful?

Okay this bed is in a retreat in Africa. It is simply amazing. Doesn't it seem so comfy and exotic?

Most importantly this bed/room is on the Grand Canal in Venice. I might not leave the room.

Now this is camping or living? Not so sure, but I don't think I'd mind it for a while...

enough said.

My new favorite flower. The peony. Je t'aime. 

I just recently got back from the beach and wanted to 

                                                    try and capture how the ocean makes me feel. This picture was perfect. 

I think I would feel awesome and at ease sitting here. I fell in love with the wall.

I went here every Sunday after church while I lived                                                                                in Paris. It was such a place of solace for me.

This is my favorite place in Paris by day...by night.

A few of the things I love...right now.

I want to wear this everyday. AND walk around in these halls. Gorgeous. 

With the weather like it is, a tingy of heat and perfect nights, I want to sit right there on that rock and read. To be honest, I'd probably lay down on the rock and fall asleep.

Every year in Brussels, they take begonias and create art in the square. I have until August to book my flight!

This gorgeous apartment is in my city- Paris. And so is this bedroom, which I will gladly reproduce and claim as my own. 

All I can say is yes please to these Christian Louboutin

And I'd sit right here and wear them and drink wine and laugh til I cried. 

I will remember this and have it when camping outdoors is simply not an option. 

 Inspiration books. I will start a new one very very soon. 

Darks Only You Know

In the Darks Only You
   know of me
I am Changed
Screaming
Pools of water cloud me
A mosaic of colors
   Broken parts
Crushed
       And brought
    together by a
Sovereign
     hand
In His own image.

Stories

So many questions circle round and round in my head. I turned 28 this year. Funny enough I actually really like that age. It's brought a sense of contentment that my younger 20's never shared with me. I was somewhat of a disaster right out of college. I'm not saying that from time to time that I'm not still a complete mess, but it's different now. Grace I guess has a lot to do with it. 

I'm surrounded by so many wonderful gracious people. However, I have noticed that the overarching quality people are tending to notice about me is my inquisitive nature. My friend Catie finally asked me the other night "Why are you so inquisitive Cara?" Now, she in no way was saying, "Stop that. That's annoying," but I think she was just genuinely curious. My response- I used to think I knew it all. I had no reason to ask questions. But a few things happened. I hit a hard brick wall of pride and both of us broke. When I went to get up, it wasn't pretty. I was bleeding a lot, but people heard my quiet shameful cries for help. My recovery birthed a great deal of things- one of them my screaming awareness of how much I didn't know and how much I loved the people that were loving me in return. So now I can't help but ask people their stories. What more could we desire than to know and be known? And on top of all that love them. I didn't know how to do that when I was under the impression I was "clean". By no means do I know how to do that perfectly now, but I have the "want" to. To me, that's the most important. 

We are all broken, whether we understand that or not. I've been fortunate enough to become really aware of most of my pieces. So that's the short version...ask me some questions if you wanna know more. 

Photography....Photography...

So I was sitting around today and looking at some friend's engagement photographs and I thought...I should write about photography. Plain and simple. That is how this post came about. Ok. So now you know.

I am constantly surrounded by incredibly gifted photographers and I check out their stuff from time to time. At this point in my life all I have for photography is a natural liking and interest. Let's add on top of that an amazing amount of appreciation. So many details go in to this particular art. Here is what I've noticed about good photographers. First and foremost- (some of them might hate me for this) they are excellent with people. You can't really show an incredible side of life if its all freaked out, nervous, jittery, and self-editing. These artist have to be people who make others feel at ease, or else they just shoot food, nature and architecture I guess. I think you can know all there is to know about lighting and it not be enough because you weird people out to the point that all your pictures turn out terrible. So that's one thing I know for sure about photography.

The second is lighting. Oh MY GOODNESS. Lighting is essential. I mean I know people say that all the time, but you guys...I'm here to tell you it is true. Bad lighting= not good. Great lighting= excellent show stopping pictures. Now here's what I think, since you are reading this we will assume you care, good lighting you might not notice, but bad lighting, oh bad lighting you will for sure! It can be just the smallest little change that makes the biggest difference.

I'll add more to this later, but a recommendation of mine is befriend a photographer. They are excellent people to keep company with! They tend to be quite passionate about their art and will gladly explain their learnings/findings.

Spring, Sigur Ros, Progress and Potential

A small note that none of you may realize...I must stop trying to title my blog posts before I write them.

Ok enough of that randomness. So on one of the greatest days to be thankful...here goes a plethora of thankfulness. In absolutely no particular order, except when they pop into my head.

1. Music. I love it. I love those moments when the music or the song is the exact one you want to hear at that moment. Where it makes me close my eyes and just smile (So long as I am not driving.) It's like someone is creating a soundtrack for your life and they just got it right. Music that I love right now? Sigur Ros. Those guys just let me take a deep breath. And most country music. Now I know this is a wide range of appreciation, but I've been missing my grandparents and well my "roots" lately for that matter. Country music reminds me of all of that. It grounds me. So there. I said it. Bluegrass to Reba. Give it all to me today.

2. Jesus. What sweet salvation. My depraved, lost, damned life has be REDEEMED. It has been restored. Given breath. I was lost. Confused. Blind. Empty. Aching. He came so that I might have joy. Abundant joy. Even with trials and tests- Christ has saved me. HE loves me. HE sought me. Why would I not be overjoyed?

3. Fantastic weather. I love Spring. It is my favorite season. Yeah I know the pollen sucks, but everything has life again. I can eat outside. I can read outside. I can sleep outside. The days are longer so I can take walks with friends for hours on end. Sometimes I get so excited about Spring I could run around in circles.

4. My friends. I love them. They inspire me. However, one of the things I love most about them is that they love me and that brings so many other things into play. That means they listen. They try their best to empathize with me. They challenge me and ask me the tough questions. They are protective. (One of the things I cherish most about them.) They are my support. I am a communicator and sometimes an over-communicator and they let me talk things out. Even when they are exhausted.

5. Quiet time. Slowing down. Having the fortunate opportunity to think and just clear my head.

6. Progress. If you knew me a year ago  you would see the road behind me and see how far the Lord has brought me. My soul has come so far. It still has a long way to go. By no means am I tooting my own horn here, but how glorious! It is amazing to see the progress that's been made in a matter of months. I'm not even the same person. I don't know her. (But that's another post. Read an old one. I'm sure you'll get the picture.) Forward progression. It gives me a heart for those that are stuck or feel hopeless. You are not alone. Keep moving. It'll take time but be gracious with yourself. You will heal faster than you realize. Try your hardest to not look back. Know that that brings little good to you. I am not saying don't recognize where you have come from, but don't look wishfully back or shamefully for that matter.

7. Potential. There are so many possibilities right now. I am just really optimistic about them all. So here's to potential in a great many areas of my life.

Perfect Grace (especially for my second family)

So I'm not perfect. Revolutionary thought right? For me I have to tell myself that daily. Sometimes moment to moment. I am going to fail. I am not going to do things right. People will be disappointed in me. That is okay. Ok...Somewhere deep inside I find it a driving desire to not disappoint, or well I used to. I still struggle with that idea, but do you know what is amazing? When people love you through your brokenness. Now I don't want to beat a dead horse (uh) but I am astounded that people love me the way they do. Even though I am a screw-up, over-dramatic, extremely passionate, brutally honest, impatient and the list could go on and on in my strengths and weaknesses; they still love me. I think this is one of the reasons I am so honest with people...I am afraid they are going to find something out about  me and then decide they don't really love me. Now I say one because I know it is not the only reason. I truly can't be any other way but transparent. I will communicate til I am blue in the face and then I will talk about how I am blue in the face and why I am blue. You get it? And here is a little shout out....For the people that I live with day in and day out...mostly the people I work with I love you very very much. You are like my second family. You know me really well. Embarassingly well. You make me laugh. You've seen my brokenness more recently than any others. And we fight the good fight together. Again...I LOVE YOU!

How divided we live

So this whole thing- writing for other people to read was founded on the basis of thankfulness. Through the past year of blinding brokenness, clarity did shine. Through that I realized I had lived most of my life not being grateful. Deep down in my spirit, joyful for everything you know? What was I thinking? I had been so blinded by my own greed and egocentric mentality that nothing seemed good enough. Then well....everything hit the fan. My selfishness over took me and I fell. I fell hard, face first. Ugly. Really ugly. Things got bad. I didn't recognize myself or what I was doing. My friends didn't know me. (And some just didn't care to and I don't blame them.) It was scary. But then somehow the Lord saved me. Without me even knowing how it happened. I woke up. And that wasn't pretty either, but it was glorious. And wounds from our destruction heal slowly and they leave scars, but how they serve as reminders. 

  So why would I not be overwhelmingly thankful? I have people who know me- GRAND flaws and all. That is so rare. Genuinely rare. I am known and I have friends who still love me. Not still love me, but love me for my brokenness. All this to say...drink it in. Live life. Let people know you. More importantly get to know people. Pray to love them. There are few things more rewarding. 

It was the best of times...It was the worst of times.

I thought the other day how easily we are lulled into a stooper. I don't live "awake" all the time. Okay I know I have already lost some of you, but seriously how many of us truly live. We just go about our day and not think about much. We go to work and become perhaps annoyed by those very people who do live each day to the fullest. I read today this quote from the great Mr. Lewis and he said, "The great thing with unhappy times is to take them bit by bit, hour by hour, like an illness. It is seldom the present, the exact present, that is unbearable.Remember one is given strength to bear what happens to one, but not the 100 and 1 different things that might happen." I do this all the time! Yes, our times could be labled as unhappy, but why would they not be? I mean seriously we live in a FALLEN world. But our gracious Lord gives us the ability to not know the future and for that I am so grateful. 
   I quite frankly enjoy contentment. I have been at some pretty unhealthy "happy" places and Satan makes his playground in those reveries. So delight yourself in the Lord. He is constant amidst these troubles and don't be mistaken they are bad. But we must only press forward.

Now here is where I might truly lose some of you. Let's think about the disaster in Haiti. It is bad yes. But being overwhelmed by the grief and desperation is pointless. Literally pointless. Yes we ache for them, but then we do what we are called to do. Serve. Be productive. Share the gospel. And here is the deal-perhaps in all of this, this is what Haiti needed. Think about it. Restructuring can happen now. Rebuilding. People know more about Haiti then they ever did. People are listening. And they will forget, all humanitarian efforts fade when they are solely done for morality's sake, but people are paying attention now and things are being made new. This is something to rejoice about.