Pretty Ugly

So it's been a while since I have sincerely written. Not that my previous ramblings weren't sincere, but they were bouncings,  you know creative inspirations. A reflection of my thoughts, not the actual ones per se.

The past month has been an intense journey that has brought me to a halting stop. Truth be known, I will run and run and run until I can't run anymore. My friends and family joked  that the only time I have truly stopped over the past year was when I was in the hospital. I'm terrified to stop, to be completely frank. Yesterday however, I stopped and it was against my will. I fought it hard. I've been fighting it. It's the glorious grace of Christ that hit me like a brick wall. When you run, you can't hear much. I could barely hear Him. And in the exhaustion I chose to listen to the enemy's lies.

My entire life the Almighty has pursued me even and especially when I was chasing something else. He loves me. He deep down sacrificially does. And I show my arse. I do. I turn my nose up at his love and affection and say it is not good enough. Yet, he gently whispers that He knows I am hurting, that I am broken, that I am miserable. WHAT IS THIS TYPE OF LOVE? It cannot be made sense of and it is glorious and intoxicating. It is worth it. Does this mean the hurt leaves? No. Does this mean all things make sense? No. But it does mean I am safe. In His arms, I am safe. I am taken. This world will not have me, though it may try. I have been marked. I do not have to overcome, it already has been done. I just must know Him. In knowing Him, trust Him. In trusting Him, bring glory to Him.

I will not sit at His table pretty. I will have scars. My feet will hurt. Bruises will cove my body. Bones will be broken. But I will rejoice in this day because I will sit at His table. And He will continue to love me and we will be together. And this makes me stop. Now. And breathe.