I'll probably post some old entries on here from time to time, cause some of them I like. I'm not that funny or clever for that matter so if that is what you are looking for, sorry, probably the wrong place for that. Here's the deal though, I was stuck, utterly stuck, on 280 and I started wondering why people blog. Why do we care about people we may never see? You know that moment at a dinner or sometime you all finally plan something to get together? That moment where you know things about the person sitting to your left that they never told you but you read on-line, that they wrote for that matter? Its weird, right? It's kinda like, "Hey I know all of this about you and I'd like to say something about how I'm sorry your grandmother died last week, but I feel a bit like a stalker." We want community. That's what it all boils down to. But here's the problem, we don't really do the work. We don't freakin' talk to each other. Face to face. I mean yeah that's awesome you went to breakfast this morning and had fantastic buckwheat pancakes, but what's it to me? Don't get me wrong, I don't mean this in some angry, "What's everybody's problem?" way. I'm just saying it's pretty obvious what's going on.
Alright, I know what you are thinking- You are writing a blog. Yeah you're right. And inherently there is nothing wrong with that. I learn a lot from some great blogs, but I don't want to use them to manufacture relationships. Let's be honest, blogs don't call you when you've had a bad day. They don't invite you to dinner or lunch or a buckwheat pancake breakfast for that matter. The enemy is clever and loves to make us feel like we have intimacy without ever noticing we are growing further and further from the truth. Gracious we have to wake up! We have to strive and fight for community. Yeah, its work to check on our friends. Sure it's easier to just check facebook and randomly e-mail someone. But it is so dangerous. Believe me- this one knows.
SO...here's the thankful part. I am thankful for a good friend inviting me to be a part of a Bible study she is having at her house. I am excited about being in the word and diving in. And for something funny...here's an old post. I like it. It makes me laugh. Be warned, this was a few years ago.
So it all started a long time ago and I still can’t exactly figure out when it all got to this point. The point where my heart seems to be fighting religiously against my rational brain, the point where once the clock reaches 9 on the east coast I can conclude he is not going to call anymore. Then I am okay. The rollercoaster of trying to figure out how to be okay, okay with my “current situation”, lives on. Now my current situation seems to have lasted for the past three years, the “after college years.” These were supposed to be awesome, but I guess there were a lot of things that were “supposed” to happen that haven’t. I was supposed to fall InLove, get married, and not be this broken piece of pottery that sits trying desperately to figure this all out so as to not go crazy.
I am a merging of Carrie from Sex and the City and Bridget from her most intimate and ridiculous diaries. What has happened to me and where am I? Carrie on her computer analyzing her most current dating relationships, aloof of her heart’s deepest desires and completely content buying shoes and sitting at brunch discussing the latest “themed” date. Yet she is running around NYC trying adamantly to forget the one she can’t. That is what we do, isn’t it? We run around and try to forget yet to only bring us to the point of complete remembrance. Can we ever rationalize our heart into the sane decisions?
And then there is Bridge…Oh the Bridget in me sits alone in my apartment listening to John Mayer and wondering if my body will ever be a wonderland? My thighs are too big and I will never be tall enough to not have to hem my pants. I dream over someone who loved me once and has seemed to completely forgotten my existence. So I go on ridiculous dates to forget him, dates with utter losers who will never measure up to any standard I set for them. These are things not expected in the current dating world, I am too romantic, too open, too trusting, too much. That is the problem with dating, it is this abyss that people get sucked into and it is lonely and confusing and hard. Why do people do it?
I went on this date with a guy named Sam. He is this hot shot soccer player who tries to act like he is quiet and conservative and such a catch. So he calls and I am intrigued. Then he calls and calls and calls- a bit clingy even for me I think. But I say, let’s get out there Cara- give him a chance. So I do even though he has sent clear signs that he is not at all what the Lord created for me, I think, he might surprise me. So he text messages me all day the day of the date, and I feel totally suffocated. (Not normal…) But I think come on let’s go on this date, it might not be bad. So we spend most of the evening talking about how essentially we don’t go together, he likes to sleep with his girlfriends, I am waiting for the "surprise I'm really great" moment. And so the night progresses on from there and we chat and I mark it up to a learning experience. Yet, in the meantime I figure out that I am starting to be attracted to him. He is the only guy who has even had the guts to ask me out in the past three years. So what if he is it? Well come to find out that was it, he never called and we only saw each other in passing every now and then…
Why would I ever want to do that again? The gut is a funny thing. It never gets enough credit for what it does. I knew good and well that I should not go out with this douche bague, but I did anyway and there I am standing in the rain completely soaked and looking like a drowned rat. Stupid and lame. Not at all the way I wanted to go out. I wanted to scream to him that I did him a favor by going out with him in the first place! “You are too good to date me,” were his famous last words and I agree buddy. So why do we sit in our apartments and wonder when he is going to call and what is wrong with us if he doesn’t? Why? For the sake of all that is great and splendid in the world why would we wonder why a complete jerk doesn’t call? Why is it so important for that phone to ring? We are better off. Truly and utterly better off. Right? Alone and better off? Alone.
