Perfect Grace (especially for my second family)

So I'm not perfect. Revolutionary thought right? For me I have to tell myself that daily. Sometimes moment to moment. I am going to fail. I am not going to do things right. People will be disappointed in me. That is okay. Ok...Somewhere deep inside I find it a driving desire to not disappoint, or well I used to. I still struggle with that idea, but do you know what is amazing? When people love you through your brokenness. Now I don't want to beat a dead horse (uh) but I am astounded that people love me the way they do. Even though I am a screw-up, over-dramatic, extremely passionate, brutally honest, impatient and the list could go on and on in my strengths and weaknesses; they still love me. I think this is one of the reasons I am so honest with people...I am afraid they are going to find something out about  me and then decide they don't really love me. Now I say one because I know it is not the only reason. I truly can't be any other way but transparent. I will communicate til I am blue in the face and then I will talk about how I am blue in the face and why I am blue. You get it? And here is a little shout out....For the people that I live with day in and day out...mostly the people I work with I love you very very much. You are like my second family. You know me really well. Embarassingly well. You make me laugh. You've seen my brokenness more recently than any others. And we fight the good fight together. Again...I LOVE YOU!

How divided we live

So this whole thing- writing for other people to read was founded on the basis of thankfulness. Through the past year of blinding brokenness, clarity did shine. Through that I realized I had lived most of my life not being grateful. Deep down in my spirit, joyful for everything you know? What was I thinking? I had been so blinded by my own greed and egocentric mentality that nothing seemed good enough. Then well....everything hit the fan. My selfishness over took me and I fell. I fell hard, face first. Ugly. Really ugly. Things got bad. I didn't recognize myself or what I was doing. My friends didn't know me. (And some just didn't care to and I don't blame them.) It was scary. But then somehow the Lord saved me. Without me even knowing how it happened. I woke up. And that wasn't pretty either, but it was glorious. And wounds from our destruction heal slowly and they leave scars, but how they serve as reminders. 

  So why would I not be overwhelmingly thankful? I have people who know me- GRAND flaws and all. That is so rare. Genuinely rare. I am known and I have friends who still love me. Not still love me, but love me for my brokenness. All this to say...drink it in. Live life. Let people know you. More importantly get to know people. Pray to love them. There are few things more rewarding. 

It was the best of times...It was the worst of times.

I thought the other day how easily we are lulled into a stooper. I don't live "awake" all the time. Okay I know I have already lost some of you, but seriously how many of us truly live. We just go about our day and not think about much. We go to work and become perhaps annoyed by those very people who do live each day to the fullest. I read today this quote from the great Mr. Lewis and he said, "The great thing with unhappy times is to take them bit by bit, hour by hour, like an illness. It is seldom the present, the exact present, that is unbearable.Remember one is given strength to bear what happens to one, but not the 100 and 1 different things that might happen." I do this all the time! Yes, our times could be labled as unhappy, but why would they not be? I mean seriously we live in a FALLEN world. But our gracious Lord gives us the ability to not know the future and for that I am so grateful. 
   I quite frankly enjoy contentment. I have been at some pretty unhealthy "happy" places and Satan makes his playground in those reveries. So delight yourself in the Lord. He is constant amidst these troubles and don't be mistaken they are bad. But we must only press forward.

Now here is where I might truly lose some of you. Let's think about the disaster in Haiti. It is bad yes. But being overwhelmed by the grief and desperation is pointless. Literally pointless. Yes we ache for them, but then we do what we are called to do. Serve. Be productive. Share the gospel. And here is the deal-perhaps in all of this, this is what Haiti needed. Think about it. Restructuring can happen now. Rebuilding. People know more about Haiti then they ever did. People are listening. And they will forget, all humanitarian efforts fade when they are solely done for morality's sake, but people are paying attention now and things are being made new. This is something to rejoice about. 

and..I think too much about myself!

Wow. So I think entirely too much about myself. It's pretty amazing that the Lord has not struck me dead from sheer vanity before now. I mean seriously. I have been overwhelmed by how much time I spend thinking about things that revolve around me. I'll be honest, Satan tries to hide how rewarding it is to spend more time thinking of others and less of ourselves. I mean it just creeps in doesn't it. We have the best ideas, the cutest clothes. We are the smartest people we know. We deserve this, We deserve that. I mean gross. Sincerely gross.
It makes me realize that I have the greatest friends. Some of my friends, honestly Erin in particular, is insanely selfless. I don't mean to call her out and she probably hates the very fact that I do, but she really is amazing. Super talented and humble. I mean truly I could list so many of the people I love and how they spend most of their hours thinking about others, but there is no need. It is Christ in them that causes this and I am more than grateful that the Lord has given them patience and love in their hearts for me. So to all of you my friends- thank you for loving me. (Even though some of you called me out a long time ago- Danielle Anders!)

kickin' and screamin'

Gees. I've always had this problem of a little thing I like to call.....tah-dah, Self-discipline. Thus, I had hoped to write something I was thankful for daily, but I have not. This does not conclude that I am not overwhelmingly thankful, but simply that the Father lavishes his blessing on me that I become gorged with them and am so exhausted that I forget that I must take the time to remember and rejoice in them.
Well that being said. I am thankful for friendships. Okay now before you stop reading listen for a minute. Real friendships. The ones who sit across from you in Mexican restaurants and tell you that they know you aren't perfect and never thought you were and are gonna still love you. The ones who push you just a little outside your comfort zone because they really like you and don't care who knows about it. The ones who ask you the hard questions because they care more about the Father's glory than about my own comfort. Cause a little secret? They know I will only truly be in His comfort if I delight myself in Him and His desires. The human spirit amazes me. And the Lord oh so gently reminds me how quickly I can slip back into thinking that I have the position to judge. I know, I know this might sound ridiculous but sometimes I get overwhelmed by the hurt I see. (Now don't get me wrong, my flesh gets the best of me a lot of the time and I get really impatient with people.)
For example, I work with this girl....at some place...in some town. And well, she's hurting. She shovels herself out to any and all men that might give her some attention. She's angry I can tell. She lies. She doesn't like me for one reason or the other. And frankly that really gets under my skin. But my brother asked me the other day if I was reaching out to her. Loving her. And I had to say I wasn't. I was letting that creepy little beast of pride crawl back in. The Lord used that one question to remind my spirit that I am that girl I work with, or at least I used to be. All alone. Searching. Reaching for anything that might make that deep nagging go away. I am so thankful to be reminded that the more someone screams, the more they are hurting. No matter how bothersome I might in my selfish world think those screams are...they are cries of someone. A sinner. Just like me. Wanting a savior and perhaps not know Him.

Please read...

So things aren't always easy. However, I will say this, the Lord is so extremely faithful and I love him so much for that. Love doesn't even seem like the right word for it simply because I use it so often. I am in love with him and I know that I have never been in love before. I think it would be harder to distinguish if I had felt that earthly love, but right now I am just thankful that I have not. I am overjoyed that my Lord is the ultimate Healer. If I'm to be honest, there is simply no reason that I should be this at peace right now in my life. My story is a that of a wretch and a wretch I am for sure, but He sought me with a determined love.
I look back on the past year, and pretty much a lot of my life, and my heart breaks for who I was. I am not sure I know her all that well anymore, and for that I am overjoyed. It is sad though, the lost girl I used to be. Sad in a way that truly deep down breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes. Trying so hard to be something I never was intended to be. Becoming exhausted for all the wrong reasons. I was stressed beyond reason to try and find love and it landed me in the most horrible and miserable of places. My heart is still healing and as some might say, still bleeding a bit, but He is healing my wounds. (Self-inflicted or not) I want to tell her she is loved. That she has been set apart as Holy, but she wouldn't listen I know.
My soul truly does well up with praise. Why me? I'm not really sure, but I am blessed beyond measure, beyond reason, beyond qualification. We serve a mighty Holy and simply put amazing God. I wish my soul was at liberty to share with all of you the miracles He has performed in my life. I don't think I have even been able to process them all.
The road is long before me in this process of striving to become more like my Father, but with the strength I desperately beg from Him, He will make my life fruitful. For His glory. He is faithful. My God is faithful to save.

Trinkles of delight...

Wow- its been a long long time. Well not really just like a week or so, therefore not totally clear as to where to start....
Went to the beach. I love the beach love love love it. I know this may be hard to believe, but this is the first time my friends have ever invited me to the beach. It was stinkin' amazing. I usually go with the family and that's fun, but well you know fun of a different sort. Neways...we just relaxed. I didn't get as tan as I normally do, but that seems to be less and less important as I get older. I need to add here that I was graciously asked to go because Brandi's husband Shane decided to go to Cleveland (lame), but fantastic for me. We walked around Rosemary beach, which is a delightful little beach town. Kinda like some part of Italy dropped down into the good portion of Flordia. Here's a little info on it if you'd like to take a gander. Honestly, I think it might be one of the greatest places I've ever tromped around. It tops my list on places I really want to stay. We ate at a really good restaurant called Paradis. It was pretty close to the definition of its name. Brandi and I shared this amazing chocolate cheesecake for desert with french press coffee. Now that's something to be thankful for. It was just great food, fantastic conversation and godly fellowship. Couldn't have ever deserved such a blessing.

I stole some pics from everybody so I'm gonna put some on here, well just so you can get the general awesomeness idea.
The beach...you know, crystal clear waters, slight breeze. Amazing.

The History Channel and the Mayans- I mean seriously what get's better? Clearly Brandi and I think little does.


Okay so I had to put this on here. Our last day we stopped at Amavida coffee. Fantatic coffee and lattes by the way and these two kids had these matching hats on. Had to take a picture of that. No explanation needed.Reid Chapman- and yes he kept the sunglasses on of his own free stylin.

For now, that's it. My soul wells up with thanksgiving.